Friday, June 11, 2010

Cartooga! Zorth! Boolakey and Kindo!

Wow! You guys basically hit (all) the nail(s) on the head, but I'm going to add a few things... 

Here we have it, the verdict on my bizarre little pitch. In Linn's words, "There is no actual connection between sentence one and sentence two."  

When King Zorth of the Quadrons son Cartooga, a half-Boolakey, half-Kindo bastard is thrown into the dungeons on the planet Honpoog, a political nightmare ensues between the Zorths and their blood enemy, the bloodthirsty  Mamyziths. Aided by Zorth's son's friend's, Omipoko the Goolgish, Kinsana the Filtrye, and their omnipedded furry friend HoofHoof, the fellowship enters the dragon's lair to rescue the bastard prince of Cartooga.   

The first sentence is like a pitch in and of itself (albeit a bad one). What about that political nightmare when it comes to the fellowship? These are two different stories.  

The Intern's comments are awesome too:
  • The first sentence is incomprehensible - I'm exhausted by the end.
  • Cartooga is the son? Or is he the place? Zorth a name or a people? Inconsistent!
  • (My favorite) All these names tell me nothing. What the heck is a (or where the heck) is a Quadron? A Boolakey? Kindo? None of these words mean anything to me? Leave 'em out! Who cares!
  • Is the dragon's lair metaphorical? (In SF, you have to be ubercareful about your metaphors. There really could be a dragon!)
  • (another of my faves) What is the plot?
  • The second sentence: GRAMMAR!!! Who is being aided by whom? As it presently stands, the fellowship is being aided by the fellowship.     
TADA. Writing a query is tough, but writing one that seeks to describe a whole new world has its own set of problems. Keep it simple. Remember that the person reading your query hasn't been to this world. Try and take me there. These are still characters and places, though they may have scales and live in upside-down trees on the planet, oh nevermind.  -AH

1 comment:

  1. Good advices. I'll make sure I use them. ^_^

    ReplyDelete